'04 Wars Episode IV: Sophomore Wars
by Cosette Due
Summary: Not so long ago, in a school only a bus ride away...
1. Introduction

Sophomore Wars

Co-written by Shaba and Cosette

  


  


Not so long ago, in a school only a bus ride away...

  


A rebellious movement of the neglected class of 2004 was taking form deep in the dark corridors of the Academy of the Holy Angels. The sophomore rebels banded together, united as the Black Ribbons, for the sole purpose of diminishing the reign of Emperor Claire and her evil minion, Darth Bolger. Should the Black Ribbons succeed in ending Darth Bolger's reign of terror, they will restore power to the true ruler of the sophomore class, who, at present, was being tortured by Bolger for information of the rebels' plans. The rebels can only hope that their honest and fair leader can be saved from the pits of the Main Office by the brave and loyal sophomores...


	2. The Main Office

"Tell me where the Black Ribbons' base is." Bolger said calmly. She paced menacingly, trying to intimidate the princess.

"Never." She spat.

"Then you will suffer."

"Do your worst!"

Darth Bolger leaned down and whispered two words harshly into her ear.

"Blue Ribbon."

The princess grimaced. The words were a horrid, painful reminder of the authority that ruled them.

"Nationally recognized school of excellence." Bolger continued.

"Ah!" She winced again.

"Liturgy at 9:15... bring your blazer."

"All right! I'll tell you!" She paused. "The base... the base is in Room 30..."

"Your sophomore friends shall perish!"

"Never!"

"Your freshman allies cannot help you, either! They've grown too fond of authority from all the 'love' and 'attention' we've given them. We control them, and they don't even know it!" Bolger cackled maniacally. "The Black Ribbon Army shall be destroyed!"

"The freshmen will... pull... through..." She gasped and passed out.


	3. Flight of the Millennium Penguin

Little did the rebel leader know that her future savior was just entering the building for yet another day of torment at the Academy.

Hanna Due, the slick bounty hunter from the Fields of Bergen, casually sauntered through the main entrance of the Academy and to her designated quarters in Pod 225. Hanna was one of the roughest, toughest, and most hyper bounty hunters in the county. Of course, she was not too popular with the faculty because her main prizes were the most impressionable targets for the teachers' evil plans... cheerleaders.

Due did not have long to wait before her partner, Chewkindy, frolicked into the pod, growling at a few skanks as she did so. Though Chewkindy's designated quarters really in Pod 223, she disobeyed the treacherous Lieutenant Geelan every morning and joined her co-pilot of the Millennium Penguin, the fastest engine-powered desk in the solar system.

"Gwa-wah-wah." Chewkindy grumbled as she slumped down next to Hanna.

"You're right, Chewie." Due's eyes shifted around the room. "Something very strange is going on, but what could it be?"

"Gwoh-eee-oh." Chewkindy shrugged and began purring in deep thought.

Another girl who sat herself at the desk in front of Hanna and turned to face her interrupted their thoughts.

Hanna blinked. "Can I help you?" She asked, a little irritated.

"Yes. I need a ride. I'm willing to pay."

Hanna looked at Chewkindy, who shrugged.

"Grr-oh-wah."

"Good idea." Hanna turned back to the stranger. "How much?"

"Two jeans passes. Each." She added hastily.

"Gwoo-ah."

The stranger stared at Chewkindy, and Hanna sighed.

"She wants to know where." This girl was getting on Hanna's nerves.

"Oh, uh..." She paused. "Room 30."

Hanna stared at her as if she had rocks for brains. "No one goes to room 30. It's too desolate..."

"The library, then!" The stranger was desperate.

Chewkindy threw her hands in the air. "Wah-oo!"

Hanna sighed and looked at Chewkindy. "Are you sure? It's risky..."

"Wah-aa"

Again, Hanna sighed and turned to the stranger. "All right. We'll take you to that hallway and no further. You pay half now and half when we get there."

The stranger nodded and handed over two jeans passes.

"Well, let's go, then." Hanna said, guiding the stranger over to the Millennium Penguin. 

"That's your desk?!" The stranger exclaimed, looking disgusted.

"Grr..."

"Is there a problem?" Hanna asked gently.

"Yea! I've seen better desks in kindergarten classrooms!"

"Hey!" Hanna suddenly became very defensive. "She may not be pretty, but she's got it where it counts! Now, personally, I don't have a problem with you finding another ride..."

"Okay! I won't complain! Let's just go!"

"That's what I thought."

They piled into the desk and Hanna and Chewkindy started it up, exchanging light conversation about what route to take. Something flashed red, and Chewkindy started growling.

"What is it?" Hanna demanded.

"Gwa-oo-wah!"

"What do you mean we can't use the route by the Little Theater?!"

"Oo-grr!"

"Can't you just plow through 'em? They're only froshies!"

"Grr-ah!"

"I know we'd be breaking every intergalactic code there is, but that's the quickest way to room 30!"

"Gree-wah!"

"No! I don't want to go that way! You know I still owe Miles the Hutt a paper from last year! She's still on my back about it!"

"Wah-ah-gree!"

"Are you sure it's the only way?"

Chewkindy nodded. 

Hanna sighed and slumped back. "All right, then."

The stranger leaned forward. "What's wrong?"

"We can't use the quickest route because according to the sensors, there are freshmen blocking the hallway. Strong hints of annoyance tainted her voice. "Oh, well. Hey, what's your name, kid?"

"Anakina." She said timidly. "Anakina Gymcutter."

"Hanna Due." Hanna pointed to her co-pilot. "Chewkindy. Welcome to the Millennium Penguin."

Anakina nodded as if in her head she were saying, "Great, I have to ride all the way down to room 30 with these nut jobs…" And she probably was.

"Grr-wah!"

"Really? Well, let's _take_ that way then! C'mon! Quick! It'll close!" Hanna yelled in a rush.

"What happened?" Anakina inquired.

"There's a break in the freshmen block. If we hurry, we can make it through. If we can't, we're stuck until the bell rings… It'll be worth it, though. Going by the Little Theater is much faster."

Anakina nodded, not really knowing.

"Buckle up, kid. We're gonna make the jump to 5 mph, and I don't need you falling over. Last thing I need is a lawsuit.

They were just about to make the jump when something jolted the ship.

"What happened?" Anakina demanded.

"System override." Hanna responded while pushing random buttons. She sounded panicked. "We're caught in a tractor beam… The Main Office is pulling us in…" 


	4. Inside the Main Office

The ship was pulled into the main lobby, and hall-troopers, cheerleaders and upper classmen, began searching the ship. Anakina, Chewkindy and Hanna, however, hid in a storage compartment in the ship. After the troopers had passed, the three darted through the main lobby and sought shelter behind the giant angel wall.

"Chewie," Hanna said breathlessly, "We can't get through, there are hall-troopers everywhere!"

"Gwhar-ee-ah-oh."

"Are you sure? It sounds risky..."

"Well? What the hell is she growling about?" Anakina demanded. "We have to do something! The place is crawling with cheerleaders!"

Hanna turned sharply on her. "Look, who's in charge of this operation? Who ship is this? Who got us this far?"

Chewkindy smacked Hanna upside the head. "Knock it off! I mean, gwee-ah-ro!"

Hanna sighed and turned to Chewkindy. "All right, Chewie, do you thing!"

"Gwee-rah!" Chewkindy exclaimed as she ran to the nearest wall and pulled the fire alarm.

As the alarm sounded, the main lobby cleared. A frustrated Darth Bolger strode out of the Faculty Lounge, locked the door behind her and left the building. The trio took the opportunity to run to the Meditation Room at the end of the hall, which also served as a small control center.

"All right, now we don't have much time! Hurry up and put on these mini-skirts!" Hanna said hurriedly.

"What?" Was the response from Anakina.

"In case there are any skanks left around here, we've gotta look like them."

Anakina eyed hers curiously. "Why does this one have a hole in it?"

"Chewie had to use force to get these uniforms from a couple cheerleaders..."

Chewkindy looked up from the computer she had been banging at and smiled, baring dangerous-looking teeth. Suddenly she looked down again and started growling.

"What is it?" Hanna asked.

"Grah-wah-ee" Was the response.

"Here? In the Main Office?" Chewkindy nodded. "Well find her!"

"What's going on?"

"There's a princess here!"

"What?"

"Apparently, they're holding the Sophomore Princess..." Hanna remarked.

"Well, let's go find her!" Anakina insisted.

"Hey! I didn't agree to a rescue mission!" Hanna replied and showed that her PMS mood swings were kicking in.

The rebels need her! Anakina said urgently.

I don't care. Hanna said flatly.

Well, then I'll go after her. Anakina said boldly. You and Chewie create a diversion, and I'll go find her.

Hanna sighed. Fine. You go find her if you want to. Chewie and I are going back to the ship, and we're leaving in five minutes with or without you."

"Fine."

Then Hanna and Anakina changed into their disguises while Chewkindy broke into the office section of the Main Office. Soon after, Hanna caught up with her and grabbed a walkie-talkie off one of the desks. The walkie-talkie buzzed, suddenly, to life. On the other end was a faculty member who was doing a routine check for any hall-troopers left in the building. Hanna spoke back to the faculty member to gain some time for the rescue mission.

Meanwhile, Anakina had broken down the door to the faculty lounge and entered. She looked down a long row of Sophomore Containment Units (SCU) and picked one to break the door down. She looked inside, only to find a worn looking girl who was Princess Gretchen.

Aren't you a little smart-looking for a cheerleader? The Princess asked sarcastically.

Anakina remarked. She then reached up, touched her face, and realized that her glasses were still on, making her appear smarter. Oh, my glasses! No, wait! I'm Anakina Gymcutter! I'm here to rescue you!

Well, can't argue with that. Princess Gretchen got up and started to casually stroll out with Anakina behind her.

Um... okay. I was expecting a little more drama than that, but...

Let's get out of here before they ring the bell! The princess insisted.

As Anakina left with the princess, they heard someone yelling in the next cell over.

Hey! Hey, let me out! The girl was waving her arms frantically through the bars of the SCU.

Who are you? Anakina inquired.

Vienna Sausage. I'm a sophomore! Like you! Let me out!

Anakina thought for a moment. Aww, what the hey. She said, figuring that the girl had to be in there for a reason, and let her out.

At that same time, in the office, Hanna and Chewkindy were running around, throwing papers and breaking things. A faculty member is then heard on the walkie-talkie.

What's taking so long? The voice on the walkie-talkie asked. Ring the damn bell already!

Uh... negative. Hanna responded. There appears to be an actual fire.

Should we call the fire department?

Um... negative. Uh... it looks like it's going away... yeah.

Going away? The fire is going away? The voice was starting to sound skeptical.

Hanna then smashed the walkie-talkie into a computer, destroying both. That was a boring conversation anyway...

Chewkindy rolled her eyes and suddenly pointed through the glass barrier. 

Hanna and Chewkindy looked to see Anakina, Princess Gretchen and Vienna Sausage run out of the faculty lounge and into the Millennium Penguin.

All right. Let's go. Hanna said as she left through the door.

Chewkindy leapt through the glass barrier, which shattered it into pieces across the Main Lobby, and rolled onto the floor. She came to a stop right at Hanna's feet.

Said Hanna, a little stunned. Okay... Now let's go.

Hanna and Chewkindy sprinted across the lobby and boarded the desk, while joining the trio already onboard.

Chewkindy suddenly pointed towards the Main Entrance. Holy gwee-ah!

The quintet watched Darth Bolger and her followers head towards them from the Front Field.

C'mon, Chewie! Blast her into hyper speed! Hanna yelled.

We don't have hyper speed. Chewkindy answered back.

Can you get it up to 5 mph?

The desk sped off down the dark hallway, finally free of the freshmen blockade. 


	5. Emergency Landing

As they made their way down the hallway, there was another sudden jolt.

"What is it?" Anakina demanded. "Another tractor beam?"

Hanna paused, checking sensors. "No... I think something's clinging to the ship..." She looked at Chewkindy. "What do you think?"

"Grr-ah-whe."

"That's what I was thinking." Hanna turned to the group. "We're pulling over."

"What? Why?" Anakina said. "Room 30's right here! Down that hallway!"

"Look. You may think this is easy, but landing this desk in that hallway would be tougher than passing a final without taking the class! The Auditorium Lobby's much more convenient for emergency landings, and it's not that far away... Okay, everyone fasten your safety belts, return your tray tables to their full and upright position, and prepare for landing."

Chewkindy rolled her eyes.

After they had landed, Hanna and Chewkindy got out and looked around the desk for anything clinging to it. They eventually found what they were looking for, a small frosh hugging one of the desk's legs for dear life.

Hanna rolled her eyes. "What are you doing there?"

"Coming with you." The frosh responded.

"Grr..."

"Now, Chewie. We have to be nice." Hanna said, winking.

The frosh looked up. "You do?"

"Yes. Now. Why do you want to come with us?"

"You have the princess."

Chewkindy looked at Hanna. "Gra-rah?"

"I have no idea why that's relevant." 

"You have the princess." The frosh repeated.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Hanna asked, getting a little irritated.

"I go with her."

"What are you? An accessory?"

"Something like that. I'm like an apprentice or something…"

"A bodyguard?"

"Do I look big enough to be a bodyguard?!"

Chewkindy laughed.

"I wouldn't laugh, Chewie, she's bigger than you."

"Grr…"

Hanna laughed. "Well, we'll see if her-highness knows you." She said with subtle hints of sarcasm.

Meanwhile, inside the desk, Anakina was trying to get to know the new passengers.

"So, Vienna, why were you in the Main Office?" Anakina inquired.

"I don't know. They called me down at the 1:15 announcements about two weeks ago and started questioning me about some 'Secret Rebel Plans.' When I told them I didn't know what the hell they were talking about, they locked me up."

Princess Gretchen looked up. "Plans? You have the plans?"

"No." Vienna thought for a moment. "Oh… wait… Could it be this floppy disk labeled 'Secret Rebel Plans?'" She pulled a floppy from her pocket.

Gretchen smacked her forehead and snatched the floppy. "Give me that!"

At that moment, Hanna and Chewkindy entered the desk. Chewkindy was restraining the frosh.

"Do you know this frosh, your highness?" Hanna inquired.

"Chii!" The princess squealed and jumped up to hug the frosh.

"I thought you were in danger!" Chii replied.

The princess turned to the group. "This is Chii-3PO. My faithful companion."

"Well, thanks to your 'companion,' we need a new leg." Hanna looked towards the Auditorium. "I know where we are. People here owe me favors… C'mon Chewie. We've got to go to the Cantina…"

Chewkindy sighed, and Anakina looked alarmed. "Where are you going?"

"Mos Thursday Cantina. A wretched hive of scum and villainy…"

"Dude, they say that in the movie!" Chewkindy exclaimed "I mean… Woo-rah-ee!"

Anakina looked concerned. "Will you be all right? I want to come."

"One. Yes, we'll be fine. Two. You are not coming, kid, it's too dangerous." Hanna started to walk towards the Auditorium followed closely by Chewkindy. "We'll be back. Don't leave the desk! It's dangerous around these parts." She said without turning around.


	6. Mos Thursday Cantina

Hanna and Chewkindy entered the shadowy Auditorium, which was filled with smoke and the sound of music. As they headed towards the stage, they exchanged curious glances at the sight of the strange company that was gathered.

"Be careful, Chewie. There are a lot of weirdos that come here." Hanna said, while reaching between two seats to pick up a small black instrument case.

Chewkindy giggled. "Gwah-oo-ee-or-wah!" She exclaimed as she picked up a longer, oddly shaped case.

Hanna began to giggle as well. "You're right! They do suck!"

The two approached the stage as the band began to strike up the "Cantina" piece by John Williams.

"What the gwah?"

"Just try to blend in. Remember. Miles the Hutt has bounty hunters here that are after me."

The two sat down among the odd-looking members of the band, took out their instruments, and attempted to play along. A froshy that was seated next to Chewkindy was trying to play some kind of brass instrument, but gave up quickly.

"You new around here?" The froshy asked.

Chewkindy shrugged. "Gwee-ka-rog-wah."

The freshman seemed to understand Chewkindy's eccentric growling.

"You and your friend better watch out. You're being watched." She nodded towards a peculiar looking flute player. "That's one of the faculty's favorites." She grinned cynically.

As the band director started to conduct again, a shadowy figure emerged from the darkness. She walked down the aisle, up the stairs, and on to the stage. With a start, Hanna realized who it was. Chewkindy was too short to see the person's face.

Hanna leaned down to whisper to Chewkindy. "It's Bolger."

Chewkindy snarled. "I'll eat her."

Darth Bolger cleared her throat and began to address the company. "Since there are so many rehearsals on such a tight schedule between the band, chorus, and the play, I must ask you to move your chairs and music stands to the sides of the stage."

The conductor rolled her eyes and pouted, annoyed at being interrupted during the song.

Darth Bolger scanned the stage, picking out her enemies, allies, and those neutral persons who must be persuaded to the dark side. She shook herself from her thoughts and nervously laughed. "Thank you." She turned and left.

As Bolger left, the freshman lifted her trumpet and played the "Imperial March." Bolger swept down the aisle and left the Auditorium.

There was a momentary silence, but soon the chatter resumed and the band director started conducting another song.

Hanna leaned over and whispered to Chewkindy. "I'm going in."

"Gwoh-ah!"

Hanna stood up and walked over to the flute player who had been watching them. She sat down and tried to make casual conversation.

"Enforcer." Hanna said to the upper-classman.

"Due." Was the response.

"You owe me a favor."

"I know, but you owe Miles a paper."

"I've got it in my back-pack."

"You said that two months ago."

"I know, but I mean it this time."

"Miles is getting impatient." Enforcer said.

"Look, I know! I'll give it to her!"

"She doesn't like people who drop their load at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser."

"They said that in the movie…" Hanna mumbled.

"What?"

"Never mind. Look, I'll get her the paper. You get me what I need, though."

Enforcer laughed cynically. "That's funny, Due. It really is. Trying to drive a bargain. I'll make a deal with you, though. You get Miles the paper, and she might not take your desk."

"Don't you threaten me."

She laughed again. "I have the right to threaten you, Due. I'm a senior." Enforcer paused, only to smile mockingly. "Due, I'm in particularly good mood today, so I'll give you a choice."

"How kind." Hanna remarked sarcastically.

Enforcer ignored the comment. "You give me the paper right now, or I take your desk until you do."

"Over my dead body."

"That can be arranged, Due. Don't tempt me." She paused again. "What's it gonna be?"

Hanna thought. "How about I don't give you the paper or my desk, and you willingly give me the part I need." She suggested innocently.

"Hu-?" Enforcer sputtered before Hanna struck her over the head with her instrument case, knocking her out cold.

"Thanks, Enforcer. Consider your favor paid off." She stood up and looked at Chewkindy. "C'mon. Let's go." She looked at the band director. "Sorry about the mess."

Chewkindy stood up and walked out with Hanna, stopping briefly at Enforcer's desk to remove one of its legs. Then the duo walked casually out of the Auditorium.


	7. Room 30 (at last)

They walked into the Auditorium Lobby and began making the necessary repairs to the Millennium Penguin. After they had finished with the repairs, they reboarded the desk, only to find that the disgruntled passengers were getting antsy and eager to go.

"Are we leaving yet?" Princess Gretchen demanded. "I radioed Room 30 an hour ago! I told the we'd be there soon!"

"An hour is making good time then. Chewie, reroute the course for Room 30. We're gonna try and land in that hallway..."

"Gra-wah-ee-ah-grr!"

"Yea. Yea, I know, but we can do it!"

"Gwah-oo-ah-wah?"

"Yes, I'm sure. C'mon. Look, I promise that if we crash, you can yell at me all the way up to heaven."

"Wah-grr-ee."

"Okay. All the way down to hell, then."

"Oh-ah."

"Yes! All right then!" 

Chewkindy reset the course and they were off. The Millennium Penguin sailed slowly through the hall. Hanna turned cautiously into the Room 30 hallway. Chewkindy pushed a few buttons to prepare for landing while growling at Hanna to be careful and slow down. Hanna eased down the hall and set it down gently.

"See. Told you we could do it." She said proudly.

"Gwee-wah!"

Princess Gretchen hopped out of the desk and stood in front of the door waiting for everyone else. She tapped her foot impatiently as Hanna and Chewkindy shut the desk down, and Anakina, Chii-3P0, and Vienna Sausage made their way to the door.

"We're waiting!" Princess Gretchen said to Hanna and Chewkindy as they got out of the desk.

"Well, sorry..." Hanna said sarcastically. "We're coming. We're coming..."

"Grr..."

As they walked towards the door, Princess Gretchen opened it.

The room itself was tiny, but was bustling with at least a dozen, if not more, people. As the group entered, most of the people inside looked up.

"Princess!" Someone exclaimed.

There was a sudden silence as they turned toward the back of the room where there stood a sophomore in "regal" garb.

"Princess Gretchen! I was so worried!" She exclaimed, running forward to embrace the princess.

"Queen Lizidala!" Princess Gretchen exclaimed with the same excitement.

Queen Lizidala looked over the princess's shoulder to see the motley crew: Hanna, Chewkindy, Anakina, Vienna Sausage, and Chii-3P0.

"Who are your friends?" The queen inquired.

Princess Gretchen pointed to each one individually, in order that she'd met them. "That's Anakina, Vienna Sausage, Hanna Due, and Chewkindy. You already know Chii-3P0."

The queen nodded and turned towards the group. "Whose idea was it to set off the fire alarm?"

Hanna cocked an eyebrow. "Chewie's. Why?"

All of a sudden, the queen went crazy on them. "What were you thinking?! That was the stupidest thing you could have possibly done! I just want to know what the hell you were thinking?!"

Hanna blinked. "Chewie and I were thinking it would work." She said nonchalantly.

The queen stood there open-mouthed and speechless.

"Gwa-ah-ree-oh."

Then, Princess Gretchen pulled the floppy disk out of her pocket and handed it to the queen.

"The Rebel Plans. Many sophomores were given detention to bring us this information."

Queen Lizidala nodded solemnly. "Thank you, Gretchen." She took the disk and put it into the computer.

Suddenly, a teacher burst into the room. Hanna pulled her blaster in defense, but Queen Lizidala placed her hand on Hanna's.

"It's all right, Hanna. This is Agent J. She brings us information. She's a part of our spy network."

Hanna eyed Agent J curiously. "Yea. I know her. She's my English teacher."

"Hanna. I didn't think you were part of the rebellion yet. I had a feeling you'd join soon, though." She said slyly. She then turned towards Queen Lizidala. "I can't stay on much longer. I think they're starting to get suspicious…"

The queen nodded. "I understand. What you've done for us is greatly appreciated."

Then, the 8:12 bell rang.

The queen turned to the group. "You must go back to class now. Come during a free or lunchtime."

The group nodded and left. 


	8. Do You Know the Muffin Plan?

They went back to class. During a second period free, Anakina approached Chewkindy and Hanna in the Cafeteria.

"I have something." She said eagerly.

"Woo-pee." Hanna said without enthusiasm.

"Grr..." Chewkindy growled.

"No, no, no. You'll like it." Anakina insisted.

Hanna rolled her eyes. "Fine. What is it?"

"I have a map we can track the faculty with." She said and pulled a map out of her backpack. "It's the Marauder's Map."

Hanna and Chewkindy looked at each other for a moment. Then Hanna turned towards Anakina.

"Um... kid? Lemme be the first to say: That's a good try. But this is a Star Wars parody. Not Harry Potter. If it were, we'd have Snape and Dumbledore running around." Hanna said gently.

Chewkindy looked towards the "Dungeons." 

"Uh... Hanna, we do have a Snape..." She said slowly.

Hanna shuddered instinctively. "Good point. But this is still a Star Wars parody."

Anakina sighed. "Can't blame me for trying."

Hanna patted her shoulder. "Like I said: Good attempt."

Chewkindy looked at her watch. "I have to go see Annecchinobi about my violin lessons. See ya later."

Hanna nodded. "Later." As Chewkindy walked away, Hanna got up from her seat, coffee cup in hand and looked at Anakina. "Well, I've got to go to my locker. You want to come, kid?"

Anakina sighed. "Yea. Sure. Nothing else to do." 

The two got up and walked up the stairs to Hanna's locker. As they were standing there, they were approached by Vienna Sausage.

"Bolger's stealing muffins." Vienna reported.

Hanna spat out her coffee. Anakina inquired about the muffins.

"What do you mean 'stealing muffins?'" She asked cautiously.

"Just what I said." Vienna claimed. I saw her a few minutes ago. Stealing muffins from anyone eating in the hallways!"

Hanna and Anakina looked at each other for a moment.

"Ooookaaaay..." Hanna said incredulously. Then she started laughing.

"No! I'm serious! Ask the frosh it happened to!" Vienna exclaimed, trying to get her point across.

"Oh! That's gonna do us some good! Most of the froshies are allied against us, and the ones that aren't, we can't pick out!" Hanna exclaimed. She had been filled in on the details of the Black Ribbons by Princess Gretchen in 1st period. 

"Besides," Anakina said, "she could be taking the muffins because it's against the rules to eat in the hallways."

"No! I'm telling you! It's a conspiracy!" Vienna yelled.

Hanna patted her shoulder. "It's okay. Calm down. You made a mistake. It's not the end of the world."

Vienna scowled. "I didn't make a mistake. She was very meticulous about it. She was only taking the blue-berry muffins. I'm telling you, something is up!"

Hanna rolled her eyes. "If you say so, Vienna." She glanced around. "Look, I've got to go to class."

"Which way are you going?" Anakina asked.

"That way." Hanna pointed in the direction she meant.

"Oh. I'm going the other way." Anakina said, dejectedly.

"Yea. Me too." Vienna said. 

"All right. See you guys later." Hanna said and started walking down the hall towards the Main Office. 

Hanna was walking in the outer rim of the Main Office, when she heard people talking in the Conference Room. She stopped and crouched outside, listening to the conversation.

"Finally! We'll put an end to this tiresome rebellion." Hanna could hear Darth Bolger saying.

"I agree. The Muffin Laser will be a great success." Emperor Claire stated confidently. "Is it ready?"

"I finished collecting all the necessary muffins. They are all blue-berry, in fact, for our blue ribbon design. Its construction will be finished after lunch."

"Excellent! That is when we shall hold the assembly!"

"What shall I prepare for it?"

"We'll make it a late NHS Assembly. We can ramble on for an hour and a half. After that, we'll release all the other classes except for the sophomores. Then we will destroy the Black Ribbon Army once and for all!" The Emperor cackled maniacally.

Hanna gasped softly and bit her lip. "I have to tell everyone!" She whispered to herself. 


	9. The Assembly

"Everyone please report to the Auditorium for an NHS Assembly." The loudspeaker boomed.

"Oh, no!" Hanna exclaimed. "I'm too late!" She looked at her watch. "It's not lunch time! The laser can't be done yet!" She thought about this. "But by the time they're done with the assembly, it will be!"

She started walking towards the Auditorium. On the way, she ran into Agent J.

"Agent J!" Hanna shouted.

"Hanna? What's wrong?" The baffled teacher asked.

"It's Bolger and the Emperor! They have the Muffin Laser!"

"No, not the Muffin Laser!" 

"Yes, the Muffin Laser."

"I didn't know about it! They must know I'm a spy!"

"That's why we're having the assembly! They're going to kill off the Black Ribbons!"

Agent J bit her lip. "Go warn who you can. I'll find Lizidala. Try to be discreet about it!"

Hanna nodded and ran towards the Auditorium. Once there, she entered and found Anakina sitting near the door, which was a good thing. As she sat down next to her, Chewkindy growled at her about being late. Hanna laughed nervously and turned towards Anakina.

"Anakina." Hanna whispered. "Anakina, I gotta tell you something."

Anakina looked up. Hanna sounded serious. "What is it?"

"This assembly..." She paused and glanced around nervously. "It's not a normal assembly."

"Excuse me." A nun interrupted. "Would you come with me? I think I need to separate the two of you." She said, taking Hanna by the arm and dragging her into the Auditorium Lobby.

"It's a trap! You have to get out of here, Anakina!" Hanna yelled back. "They're going to destroy the Black Ribbons!" 

As Anakina thought about this, Chewkindy was howling and biting people as her co-pilot was dragged away. Suddenly, it hit Anakina, something was going to happen. She needed to tell everyone. The assembly dragged on and news spread like wildfire that something was going to happen, but no one had any idea what it was.

Meanwhile, outside in the Auditorium Lobby, Hanna was sitting with the nun that had taken her out of the assembly.

Hanna looked up innocently. "May I please go to the bathroom?" She figured she might as well warm up the Penguin while she was waiting.

The nun nodded, and Hanna took off.

In the Auditorium, the assembly was finishing up.

"Seniors and freshmen may return to homeroom." Darth Bolger announced, as the respective groups got up and left. "Juniors may return to homeroom" The Juniors stood up and exited the Auditorium. Only the Sophomores remained. "Sophomores, you may..." They stirred a little, ready to bolt out the doors. "Suffer an excruciatingly torturous death!" Out from backstage, came a giant laser made out of blue-berry muffins. 

The Muffin Laser had been revealed.

The Black Ribbons jumped up, already on defense. They started to run to the doors as the laser began firing. Many of the troops picked up the tiny cheerleaders and used them as shields as they ran into the Auditorium Lobby.

Once they were there, Queen Lizidala was there to direct them.

"To the Chem Lab! Hurry, everyone! To your desks!" The Queen shouted.

The Black Ribbons ran down the hall to the Chem Lab, where their Fold-Up Desks were. They unfolded them and rode down the "secret passage" to Room 30, where Lizidala was planning attacks with Princess Gretchen.

"Well, if we attack from this angle..." The Queen started.

"Let's not waste any more time! Come on! There's a rebellion going on here, and we're standing around when there are evil forces at work!" Princess Gretchen shouted impatiently. 

Outside, in the Auditorium Lobby, Chewkindy was running around in circles like a lost puppy until Hanna pulled up next to her in the Penguin.

"Hey! Get in here, you nut!" Hanna yelled.

Chewkindy jumped in and started growling. "Gree-weh-rah-ah-wah?"

"I'm not sure if we're gonna help with the fighting... the kid never paid us in full..." Hanna said as she flew off towards the Main Office. 


	10. The Pre-Battle Scene

As Due and Chewkindy flew at top speed (5 mph), Chewkindy tried to win her point of helping the Black Ribbons fight the Faculty.

"Gwee-ahk-kree-waag-wah," she argued, as the Millenium Penguin cruised toward the Main Office.

"It's not our problem, Chewie. Just forget it 'cause it ain't gonna happen." Hanna stubbornly replied. 

The wookie sat in silent thought for a moment before muttering. "Gohr-nee chee-kay."

"Chewy!" gasped Hanna. "I can't believe you just said that to me!"

"Oh, sh-grah!" exclaimed the short one, as she pointed desperately ahead of the desk.

The hallways were congested with frantic students who hadn't witnessed the chaotic scene in the Auditorium. Seniors, Juniors, and Freshmen were running out of their homerooms to get to class.

"Alright, look," sighed Hanna, turning to her co-pilot. "We'll wait 'til lunch and if things haven't calmed down by then, we'll see if we can help. Maybe we can transport some Sophomores to a hide-out..."

"NO! LISTEN TO ME!" Chewkindy, apparently forgetting her native language, exploded in a frenzy of pent-up frustration. "By then, it might be too late! We have to help them NOW!" 

Hanna sat blinking for a few moments, surprised at her comrade's outburst. "Okay, Chewie. I'll make a deal with you. How 'bout we wait upstairs in the hallway until the fighters arrive?" She suggested, hoping to calm down her friend before receiving a bite.

"Gwah." Chewkindy consented after thinking this over for a few seconds. "Mah, chee-no chee-kah rog wah?" she asked hopefully.

"Yup," Due smiled dangerously, reaching into her pocket to withdraw a handful of Pixie Sticks. "I'm packin'!"

Meanwhile, Anakina, Chii-3PO, Kar-2D2, the freshman from the Cantina who had played the trumpet, Vienna Sausage, and Princess Gretchen broke into the Chemistry Lab to execute the next part of the operation. 

"Alright, bring it in!" Anakina whispered, waving in the rest of the group.

Princess Gretchen dragged behind her a plank on wheels. She had "borrowed" the dolly from the school's well-paid maintenance crew.

The group loaded up the dolly with folding fighter-desks for the rebels who had not been able to make it to the Chem Lab to get a desk. Once they had all that could fit on the plank, they each took a desk for their own and (tying the dolly to the princess's desk with some of her yellow rope) flew back to Room 30.

Once the group was back at the base, Queen Lizidala gave orders to the Sophomores.

"My brave classmates," began the queen, pride visible on her face. "We have awaited this day for a long time, a little over eight months actually. Some of us may be given detention, some of us may be suspended. But if we win this battle (or at least run away before they catch us), none of that will matter anymore! Now get out there and kick some Faculty ass!"

A loud cheer went up in the tiny room as the rebels ran to their folding desks and prepared to fly off.

"Well, Gretchen," Lizidala strode over to meet the princess with an approving look on her face. "It appears that...Uh, Gretchen? What are you doing?"

The princess had pulled two computer speakers from her over-packed book bag and was attaching them to her CD player, all safely fastened to her fighter-desk. "We need some cruising music, don't you think?"

"Uh, sure. Whatever floats your boat," The queen turned away to inspect the other flyers, thinking "She's certifiable". 

But the princess didn't notice this as she pressed play and took off with the other rebels, head-banging to the beat of the Hippos' "Wasting My Life".

As the rebels flew toward the Main Office and the co-pilots of the Millennium Penguin sat near their lockers, there was much activity in the Faculty Lounge.

"How many cheerleaders did we lose?" Darth Bolger was pacing the length of the room.

"Twelve, Your Excellency," Lieutenant Moran replied, trembling.

"What I don't understand, Jenny," continued Bolger, becoming angrier by the second, "Is how a bunch of rebel Sophomores can outsmart a Faculty. Bring in the captain of the Pom Squad!"

At this command, Moran opened the door to let in a skank with a fake orange tan. 

"Ah, Commander," Anyone present could see that Bolger had thought of something, and was going to make sure someone paid for the small defeat of the assembly. "Please, answer me this question."

"Of course, Dean." Replied the skank.

"Dammit! It's Darth! Stop calling me Dean!" After this outburst, the 'Darth' quickly collected her composure. "I mean, thank you. This is what I want to know-Just what exactly is your average for this marking period?"

The cheerleader stood gaping for about five minutes trying to calculate her average. Seeing that the Darth was becoming impatient, she suddenly remembered. "Umm, it's like a D, Your Scariness." 

After rolling her eyes at this new title, Bolger replied, "I find your lack of IQ disturbing." Then, she turned to Moran, "Kick her out with the rest of the cheerleaders. We can handle this on our own."

Back in the hallway, Hanna continued to sniff her Pixie Sticks while Chewkindy looked on.

"Hey, Chewie. You know what's weird?" Due was obviously in her own little world. " 'No' means one thing and 'yes' means something totally different! Doesn't that just blow your mind?"

"Guh, wah," the co-pilot rolled her eyes.

There was a commotion as classes let out for the early lunch. The bounty hunters noticed (or at least Chewkindy noticed, for Hanna's senses weren't what they should have been) that, once again, the cheerleaders were congregating outside the Faculty Lounge.

The wookie-girl growled.

"I think you're right, Chewie," whispered the red-faced Due. "Something is smelling John."

"Not 'smelling John'!" replied Chewkindy in a harsh whisper. " 'Going on'. Something is going on."

"O-o-o-o-o! I get it. Yeah," Due burst out into a fit of laughter.

Fed up with her partner's high, Chewkindy reached into the desk's storage basket and pulled out a tumbler. When Due's face lit up as the aroma of coffee met her nose, the wookie tossed the tumbler to her.

After taking a big gulp of the magical formula, Due was her old self again.

"Alright, let's go kick some skank ass!"

Just then, the rebels arrived in their fighter desks.

"Well?" Anakina had pulled up next to the Millennium Penguin. "Are you gonna fight?"

"Gur-wow!"

"Damn straight!"

Vienna Sausage caught up to the group just then. "Where's the princess?"

This was apparently a good question, as no one knew the answer.

"We can't go into battle without the princess!" Anakina began to panic.

Everyone's worries were soon calmed when Gretchen showed up.

"You're not going to believe this," she panted, scooting her desk up to the others. 

"Try me!" everyone dared in unison.

"Bolger raided my locker!" continued the princess. "She took my rope and my yarn, and even asked me who I was going to hang! She took my blazer too, no doubt so that I'll get detention at the next assembly."

"We don't have to worry about the next assembly!" the queen had just arrived with the freshmen. "As long as we bring down the Faculty and their clone skank-zombies! Now, let's go, Black Ribbons!"

The Faculty Lounge was buzzing with activity. Bolger had sent out a squad for fighter desks and they hadn't returned yet. The anxious dean was now stereotypically pacing back and forth, as usual, awaiting the missing squad.

Suddenly, the captain of the cheerleaders crashed into the room. "Your Creepiness!" she groveled.

"What is it?" Bolger snapped crossly.

"There weren't any desks in the Chem Lab, but--"

"What!" the disciplinarian was furious.

"We suspect the rebels of stealing them, sir--I mean ma'am--I mean--"

"Shut up, you little flake!"

"Sorry," the skank continued her story. "We got some other desks though, maybe you should take a look.

  


* * *

  


"What the hell are those?"

The dean was now surveying the desks in the Main Lobby, each manned by a cheerleader. The desks were quite the opposite of those now held by the Rebellion. The skanks had stupidly found the largest, clumsiest desks in the entire building.

"They're the desks we'll use in the fight," answered the captain, seeing nothing wrong with the hall-craft.

"Where...did...you...get...those?" the dean asked, pronouncing each word slowly and quietly so there would be no misunderstanding.

"In the Senior Wing."

Darth Bolger's curses were not heard by her army, for at that moment they were drowned out by the sound of fighter desks approaching.

"Crush them!" ordered the dean. "The Black Ribbons must be destroyed! But, Captain," she added in a low voice, "I want Gymcutter unharmed. I have plans for her."

And with that, every skank took off at a top speed of 2 mph, charging the rebels. The rear was brought up by Bolger, who wanted only to corner Anakina, and reveal her dark plan.


	11. The Battle Scene/Last Chapter

The Head Cheerleader, who had stayed behind, contacted Bolger on her radio.

"Um... Your Frightful-ness."

"What is it?!" Bolger demanded.

"Why do you need Gymcutter anyway?"

"You fool! I need her because all the cheerleaders are imbeciles! I need her to tutor all of you so that we can maintain Blue Ribbon status!" 

"Oh... Okay. Whatever."

Bolger sighed heavily in frustration.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Angel Wall, the rebellion had gathered and was prepared to fight.

Vienna walked over to Chewkindy. "Um... I just want you to know that if anything should happen in this battle... You know what? Never mind." She said apathetically.

Seizing the moment, Chewkindy jumped on Vienna's back and growled softly into her ear an ardent promise of hope.

Hanna rolled her eyes at the scene. She sighed and turned towards the Queen.

"Look. I don't wanna get involved with the fighting. I've been on the verge of getting suspended for a while now, and this would give the faculty a final reason to do it." she said cautiously.

"I understand." the Queen said gingerly. She hoped to persuade Hanna to join the rebels. "Let me ask you, though. Would you ever consider joining the Black Ribbons? We could use someone with your experience."

Hanna shook her head. "Nah. Chewie and I have been bounty hunters since freshman year. We got a good thing going for us. Don't wanna ruin it now."

Chewkindy, who had rejoined Hanna, grunted in agreement

Anakina sighed. "Are you sure? We could really use you."

"Look, kid. My mind's made up. I'm not gonna be a part of the rebellion." She paused to think for a moment. "I've got other things to worry about."

"Gwar-rrr-oh-ah-er?"

Hanna looked at her companion and whispered the response. "I don't know if she's gonna be there. She's one of the faculty, but she might not help in the fighting. I don't know..." she trailed off. "We shouldn't risk it."

"Gree-ah-ooo-kag-rah!"

"Yea, I know it'll help them, but I'm still not sure about this... I don't know. I've got a bad feeling about this..." 

The rebels had no time to listen to this conversation. By the time Hanna and Chewkindy had finished talking, the rebels had manned their desks and were preparing to fight.

Hanna turned to Chewkindy. "Well, we stayed. You happy?" Chewkindy nodded. "I'll be in the Penguin." She turned and went to sit in her desk.

Meanwhile, the rebels had approached the battlefield, where the cheerleader army was already waiting.

The two sides clashed, engaging in a ferocious battle. 

After about an hour of fighting, a click was heard over the intercom, as the 1:15 Announcements commenced. Taking advantage of the opportunity that the confusion had caused, Anakina decided to try and destroy the Main Office once and for all.

She maneuvered her desk through the endless fields of cheerleaders and dove down the Executive Hallway. Darth Bolger had spotted her and followed closely on her tail.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a laser blast was shot towards Bolger's desk. It hit at just the right angle, and she and her desk flew spiraling into Canada.

"You're clear to go, kid!" Hanna's voice came in clear over the radio.

"What? Oh, uh, thanks!" Anakina responded.

Anakina continued to fly down the hallway when she heard an eccentric, womanly voice in her head.

"Remove your glasses..." the voice urged. "Rely on your senses, two, three, four..." the voice faded out.

Somehow, the voice was comforting to Anakina. Calmly, she removed her glasses and placed them on the flat part of the desk.

"Anakina? You took off your glasses. Are you okay?" Queen Lizidala asked.

"Yea." Anakina answered. "I'm fine..."

She continued to fly towards the end of the hallway. Reaching the end, she dropped hydrochloric acid into a window in the Meditation Room, burning a hole into a side of the Main Office.

Anakina flew away triumphantly as the rebels broke into cheers and happy song.

After everyone had returned to Room 30, the celebration started.

Anakina jumped out of her desk to embrace Princess Gretchen and Queen Lizidala. 

Hanna and Chewkindy brooded silently in the back while the festivities continued. Eventually, Anakina approached them.

"Thank you for saving me back there."

"No problem." Hanna answered.

"How did you do it? I didn't think the Penguin had lasers."

"It doesn't." Hanna responded. "We had it modified."

"How?"

"Kag-roh-ao-wah-roj-noah-ker-gah-wah-wah-oo-ee-rrr-grah-whee-kero-reh-reh-grah-gwa-kar-rog-oh-rah-whe." Chewkindy explained.

Anakina blinked. "Okay, Hanna. How?"

Hanna rolled her eyes. "A: You need to learn Kookie (Kindy-wookie). B: Commander Jana and Andr'a Binks rewired the Muffin Laser by replacing all the blueberries with chocolate chips. We attached it to the Penguin and came to help you."

As they talked, they walked outside of Room 30 to prepare to go to the new base.

"Oh, before I forget again," Anakina said, "Here are the Jeans Passes I owe you." She handed over the slips to Hanna. "Did you reconsider about joining the rebellion?"

Hanna laughed. "You guys can count me in as a Black Ribbon." she said, hopping into the Millennium Penguin.

Chewkindy growled happily in agreement.

"So, we'll see you at the new base?"

"We'll see you there!" Hanna said as the desk sped off down the hall to a new rebel base and a new year at the Academy of the Holy Angels.

Gree-agh-a-way... (TO BE CONTINUED...) 


End file.
